Dealing with insults is something we all have to do from time to time, whether intended or perceived.
But it is something that, as a whole, we seem to be getting worse at. Many people seem to be woefully unequipped to handle criticism, constructive or otherwise.
The following passage is from “The Stoic Guide to a Happy Life” by Massimo Pigliucci.
“Someone has insulted you.
You mean, rather, that you allowed them to insult you.
Because regardless of their intention, what they say is just air moving between the two of you. Their words become an insult only if you regard them as such. Otherwise they are the uttering of a fool.
Try, therefore, not to be bewildered by appearances, and instead take a break from the situation, put some distance between yourself and the immediate impression. That way you will find it is easier to retain command of your ruling faculty, your ability to reason.”
This encourages us to treat other people’s words with a certain amount of pragmatism, and not immediately take offence – even if the words are intended to offend. This is often not an easy thing to do, as, more often than not, we seem hardwired to react defensively.
To take offence is to allow suffering, to take the words personally, and accept that the words might be true. It legitimises the words and gives them strength. It allows your “opponent” a victory. This is accepting and experiencing pain – to feel insulted.
Refusing to take offence diminishes whatever power the words may have had, as quickly as it would take the sound of the words to dissipate, were they spoken out loud.
The words themselves may not have even been intended to cause offence, they may have been taken out of context, or the intention behind the words may have been misinterpreted. In this case the pain caused by the words is completely unnecessary, and will cause friction in your mental fabric, and degrade the relationship between you and the utterer.
As Pigliucci’s words suggest – accepting the words as true will diminish your own ability to reason and give an equanimous response. The offence can cause a cascading effect of self-criticism, self-defence and reaction in return.
This extends beyond blatant insults to mere statements that you disagree with. How many times in recent memory have you heard a statement that you disagree with and felt offended by it?
All too often we see people react aggressively without even thinking about the intention behind the words and, again, often misrepresenting peoples arguments, and in turn misrepresenting their character.
This is caused by an unwillingness or inability to take a step back, refuse to be personally insulted, and consider the words and their context from the other person’s point of view.
If people genuinely have made an offensive statement then as the passage above suggests; “these are the utterings of a fool”. If this is the case, then these words do not deserve to be given any more power than the breath under which they were uttered. If the words are someone’s point of view that you vehemently disagree with, then see this as such.
Fight the urge to extrapolate and form a false picture of someone’s entire system of beliefs and motivations from a single statement.
Take an insult as an opportunity to practice equanimity. Use it as a trigger to awaken from your unconscious slumber and treat the words as they deserve to be treated.
And how they deserve to be treated is up to you.
Not the You that acts like a hurt child, firing off knee jerk responses to cause more hurt in return.
The You that takes the time to form a response that aligns with your core values.
Do not lose sight of the fact that you have ultimate control over your actions. Consider the outcome of your reactions. You can fight back, turn up the dial on aggression and perpetuate further pain. You can dismiss the breakdown in communication, decency and rational debate. You can ratchet up the polarisation, raise the stakes, and await the inevitable retaliation.
Or you can recognise the words for what they are… words.
You have control over how you react, so step back, take a breath, and be sure you react in a way that will bring you peace, and in a way that you will be proud of.
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